They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.