They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
this post was so formative to me
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.