They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.