They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”