They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use