Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.