@jazmasta: They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
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@Marlebean: Eating a banana. Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium. But... why can't I use my teeth?
@4handfuls: Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house...
@JustUnstableMe: Boss: Where's the progress report I asked u for Me: I haven't made any progress that's my report What I imagine it'd be like if I had a job
@merewillis: My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, "Look, I got you some flowers." So I put them in a vase of water. #LastLaugh