*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.