They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
…u ok Nintendo?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.