They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Succinctly put.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.