They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”