They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.