They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Thank you corporation very cool
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no