Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.