They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?