@AntozWolf: They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
@vinnycrack: the best insult ever is "who is this clown" because 1. you're calling them a clown 2. you're saying they're not even a well known clown
@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*