They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time