they should invent a rest for the wicked
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Salad is the decaf of food.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
This one’s “Alex”.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Become ungovernable.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.