When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me in tagged photos
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Great Canadian literature.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍