B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!