They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL