@TheBoydP: They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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@psychopompis: man-ant: picnic's over boys ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run! man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
@JessicaVarsity: Twitter is like a dog: There's always someone who loves you for you... there's also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
@david8hughes: [runs to the door to greet wife] I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in restroom reading phone* *opens stall door & starts peeing* Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE...