They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees