They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime