They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!