@fatherofcomedy: They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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@patnspankme: People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
@birbigs: Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?
@nealbrennan: Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
@bfrosty04: Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.