They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Real House Wines.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?