They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”