I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
SF is the wild wild west man
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Can. I. Help. You.