They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…