They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.