Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault