A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Alexa, set the neighbor鈥檚 fire alarms for 3am.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
wife: didn鈥檛 i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i鈥檒l call the turtle guy
wife: you鈥檒l call the turtle guy
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
I can鈥檛 afford a security system so I鈥檝e just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love鈥檚 gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can鈥檛 find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.