@Laser_Cat: They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don't think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I'm just eating it.
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@BaileysIrishTom: Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
@drinksmcgee: Someone just told me that they hate bacon... I can't even find words... It's like someone just murdered a rainbow.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"