They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
fr
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
crazy
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy