@Laser_Cat: They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don't think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I'm just eating it.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
@Jimmywibbles: *4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us.
@ilovepie84: "I don't think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions" -Me when someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to.