They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
The honesty is refreshing
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog