They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
how high up are we talkin’?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss