The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.