[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Not all heroes wear capes…
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.