God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
That’s no pocket rocket.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family