They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
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Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Are we there yet?…
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”