They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If only.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.