They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.