@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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@sammyrhodes: Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
@robdelaney: My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going.
@hazelmotes1: "I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.