They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?