They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.