Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Never forget.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music