They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
black phone good
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask