Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
twitter users today:
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
welp
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes