Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo