They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
best review i’ve ever seen
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields