They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands