@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
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@ItsAllCrazyToMe: Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
@daryl_licked: Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for? Me: I got it for my girlfriend. Indian Chief: Good trade.
@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@iGreenMonk: Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.