@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
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@Molly_Kats: YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.
@SteveSuckington: [talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] "You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan."
@gianni_bcn: What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a.... *Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*
@lecalabara: "To hell with it, thats good enough." - every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.