@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
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@Lisabug74: In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@DanMentos: "Bob's coming over" Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop? *knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE *flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"