They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
#DesignFail
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.