They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I am, perchance
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism