They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Xylophonist Shredding It
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
😂😂
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that